Hot off the Commode...Read all about it

Yes i have a disgusting yet surprisingly funny story to share with you. Some of the names and places have been changed to protect their privacy. As you can imagine what is normal to some is not normal to everyone but i have to say....i do not know many people that want to discuss feces. Unfortunately it came to my attention that a really stinky bowel movement made you warm (i deleted that image as soon as i heard it and i suggest you do the same). Furthermore when you take one in the snow, it steams (yeah because i do not know about you but i am sooo searching for snow just for that purpose). I will conclude by saying i am sure i have offended all your tender sensibilities and in the future i will be sure and continue this practice as i cannot seem to stop but i do ask that if you have to go, please go the other way and lets not discuss it in detail..........

The Watch Conundrum.....

Don't u hate when people point at their wrist when you ask the time as if i do not know where my watch is located...as i stand there looking at them, I'm thinking what planet do u hail from? is there air there? life even?. Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first. i have even been so thoughtful as to write them a letter for their common sense since they seem incapable of the deed, it goes something like this...Dear Common Sense, I miss you please come home, before I do something else stupid. Love Me. this is your letter so please copy and paste and keep your head up pumpkin, your frigging special....

"Emos"

I am not knocking anyone's perception of themselves but i just gotta mention the "emo" label that has exploded into "emo" haircuts and styles, clothes and piercings. Why must we label everything? That is a legitimate question that certainly makes you wonder if it is just not another way for people to make themselves unique ( yeah cause i know i want to be different, it helps so much) See i just said i was on my period but now it needs a label because being different is apparently a trend. I have personally asked my emo friends why they call themselves that and i can report that they don't know so i figured "smurfette" was taken.......

An angel among us.....Not....

Did you see that? Did that child just? No he did not. No way......You know the ones i am talking about, the half demon child that his mother is just gushing over "isn't he just an angel" (no those are not wings you ninny, that's a Halloween costume) . Now i am not in any way saying my children are not mean but i have a double dose of reality for those "my child does no wrong" parents and you know who you are (that is if you stop taking the xanax already). Here is a message for all those in denial, your child has traits and behaviors just like other children in his age bracket (its alive), children will lie, manipulate and demean to further their own goals or to stay out of trouble. I know how disappointing this is for the parents of the angels they believe live inside their children....i say, stop reading so much enquirer already..........

Okay now i know that texting is a growing disease, but now it has branched out into
the military apparently....there are these things called "texting wars"(makes u wonder what happens to the causalities or POW's, i am guessing the casualties are those deleted and the POW's are still in the phone). See now here is my thing about texting, its almost like the elevator although it does make the phone easier per say but it does make it easier to not have to actually tell someone your breaking up with them...no no you can text it.......

Texting 101

The texting revolution....someone save us from this virus flooding the world...i can report that in a single month my sixteen year old sends at least 5000 texts...i say life is moving on without them
and apparently they added a smiley face :). I am in no way going to deny that i myself text some but nowhere near the magnitude of some people and the sad thing is you do not even need to take a poll because it is all around you (yes even the elderly lady crossing the street). Its almost as if everyone has conveniently forgotten how to actually dial a phone (its a lot of work to punch in those numbers because i know its so much easier to type it).............

Is This really the news???!??

Has anyone happened to notice the ever present constant bad in people that is broadcast on the news, whether it be nightly, evening or morning (like we have not noticed the drive by shootings or the murder next door). They always start off with good evening for example then proceed to spend the next thirty minutes telling you why its not....it makes one wonder what purpose an anchor actually serves (i am sure they dont introduce themselves as "everything that will go wrong has gone wrong and i am here to broadcast it worldwide" person because that would require explanations , something apparently they lack in the news industry so they just make it up). Now i know there is some things we might want to know, weather for example or a deadly virus but i personally do not nor plan to care in the future what the presidents wife is wearing or where their vacationing because unlike reporters, i do not plan on stalking them. Also i am aware that some people are just nosy but do we all have to be punished because some people are too worried about what goes on in a complete strangers life???????...........

To Crab or Not to Crab???

I learned an interesting fact while shopping yesterday......Did you know that imitation crab meat is not considered a food product? (finally the crab catches a break, someone should inform him that he has been taken off the menu)When I got to the checkout line i was informed that my imitation crab would be taxed (oh the horror!!). Now I am thinking to my self, non food product hmmmm.........{sponges, napkins, sandwich bags, aluminum foil} I can understand these items, but crab meat? What do you categorize it as? If the grocery industry does not consider this a food, exactly what fits the criteria for "Food" and who makes the distinction(Sebastien or Ariel perhaps).........

You Said What?????>...............

I have a niece who seems to know all the stupid people....literally(shes probably got a personal ad on some dating site searching for them.....could u imagine the wording) . She is forever telling me of their idiot exploits but there is one that tops all others on the idiot scale (and before you ask, no i have no idea what constitutes the scale as i just made it up). Now before we get into this i should say some of this material may be unsuitable for certain viewers ....say the prudes who think some things are "forbidden" or the psychos who think any orifice is supposed to be glued shut and never mentioned. I know every woman knows what a douche is and if you don't.....for petes sake go out and get one because that smell is probably you. Anyway my nieces friend had never used one and my niece explained to her how to use it so she goes into the bathroom for about ten minutes then she comes back out and exclaims "Oh my god, it was running back out" (Darwin award please). Now my question is....is she always that stupid or is she making a special effort? And exactly where did she think it was going to go? Apparently she thinks she has a water retaining vagina (the Venus fly trap comes to mind) that was wrong i know lol...................