Babysitting At The Ok Corral

You are alone; with a baby; in a room taking care of its cuteness when you finally make the one mistake you should never do. You look away or get distracted, and its cuteness slowly creeps up on you and then...IT BITES!!!!!! RABIES? RACCOON? MOUSE? OMG!! BABY JUST BIT MY LEG. You all know the scene, you know the one where you eye each other down like its a gunfight at the OK corral and the baby just drew blood. The gauntlet has been thrown down, unfortunately neither of you can seem to find the damn thing. All of a sudden, the phone rings, the dog barks and the baby cries…..Baby=1, Babysitter=0.………..to be continued…

Duct Tape

Have you ever noticed that there are some people that would be great if they just had their mouths duct taped ……forever? "Omg shut up your so annoying!" is probably a thought that has crossed many people's mind from time to time when you are stuck with a person who just doesn't seem to be able to turn off their constant chatter. Blah blah is all you hear and to top it off they have this annoying voice to boot with the constant babble about blah blah...that means exactly nothing to you. You see their lips moving, but at that point you're already visualizing the duct tape over their mouth…….

Baby talk

What is it about babies that makes a grown man or woman start speaking baby? Is there a sign outside every nursery that says “do not enter unless you speak baby” like it is a foreign language all its own. My daughters theory is that it is because they're cute, but I am of a different mind. At that age, sorry but they are not yet fluent in gibberish. No that does not happen until they themselves become parents of a teenager, and by then I am sure they will have a new understanding of why animals kill their young. But here is an even better question for those “goo goo gah gah “ adults out there…..do you not realize how stupid you appear to others and I can only imagine what the baby is thinking….

Awww Poor Bunny

Easter!!! cant wait for Easter!!!...I love biting chocolate bunnies heads off, even though i really don't know what that symbolizes, exactly when did that become an "Easter celebration". Maybe we didn't like the bunny, and those lovely marshmallow peeps. We probably didn't like those pesky birds either, and of course hunting for eggs. I love hunting for eggs. Guess that's our way of saying get a new life or find one in a literal sense. This holiday has rarely made much sense to me, but bombarding people with confetti filled eggs has been one event i always look forward too...are we saying life comes at you hard? or it comes at you boiled? And exactly whose idea was it to tell thousands of children that bunnies lay eggs?.......

Once Upon A Time

I just have to mention nursery rhymes, and wonder why we tell them to our children when some of them have some pretty violent pasts or made to mock someone. Take ring around the rosy, yeah lets give our child a sing song version of the bubonic plague or the London bridge is falling down, who does not want to tell their child of the many disasters that befell the London bridge or of sacrificing children which is another popular theory of the origin of the London bridge. There is also Mary, Mary, quite contrary which is about Mary queen of Scott who was beheaded for trying to assassinate Elizabeth or it could also of been about Mary I of England also known as...Bloody Mary. And Lastly, Rock A Bye Baby.....here we go, lets put our little one to sleep with their own death......

Road Rage

Why is it that when your in a hurry to get somewhere, you always get behind the slowest person in the free world? You know the one i am talking about, the Sunday stroll driver that makes you want to just drive right over them. Is there no place they have to be or did they just wake up slow? ......And can someone please tell me when we are driving and looking for an address, why do we turn down the volume on the radio? I guess it disturbs our address mode even though it still takes us an hour to find the address so i am not sure it helps.....

An Alibi

Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed or even just died of natural causes? Is there like a worldwide memo sent out saying they better know where they were, it must skip my house. Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi? I am certainly not a certified physician, and fame is like a drug i know but i say if u feel like you need to know where you were at that exact moment....its time to up the medication.........

Pesky Customers

I was delivering food one day at sonic to a customer. The individual, who will not be named for i didn't care to want to know an individual who should remove himself from the gene pool, ordered a sonic burger, a coke, and some tater tots. When i get to his car the individual looks at me and says "is that your 44oz drink?". I told him "no sir that isn't our 44oz drink, you have to ask for it if you want our free upgrade." While thinking to myself...."seriously,does it look like a 44oz?". Then he accomplishes himself to even look more like an idiot by saying "well i thought you would just give us the 44oz since it is a free upgrade". My reply to him was "sorry sir, but some people don't want that big of a drink." while thinking "really now...if you want something you ask for it. we aren't psychic." He then tries to go further into his explanation by saying " we'll if they just get the free upgrade they can throw away what they don't want". Keeping my composure, i replied...not wanting to lose my job, " well like i said, some people don't want the big drink" but what i really wanted to say "Moron! people know what they want and ask for it.Next time i will tell the manager to put AT REQUEST for special people like you". Would've been a lot easier if you just said you forgot you wanted the upgrade. Would've saved you from looking like someone who rode the short bus. Oddly enough...he wasn't the first "special" person to do that.......

All Twittered Out

I have recently noticed something that is quiet disturbing, there is a new disease sweeping the nation. Forget the swine flu, Twitter has just gotten out of hand....if one more person says "i got to twitter that", there might be a social network homicide. People actually pay for this service for their phone just so they can "twitter" things even while at work....i say you might need a twelve step program if you hide in the bathroom while at work just so you can "twitter" what someone just said to you, and you addicts know who you are. Get the help you need people and stop all that "twittering" things like the consistency of your bowel movements because you got some serious issues and you can certainly cancel my subscription.........

The Dumpling Speech

You gotta love children i suppose but i do think its a sad day when your sixteen year old son has a ten minute rant about the size, consistency and taste of his dumpling, and yes you heard me right, his Dumpling as in chicken and dumplings.......don't get me wrong, i think our children should have a say about what they eat, i am just not sure it should be so .....detailed. Now your thinking whats so strange about that....this speech included "voices" like the way your moms voice would change when telling you a story, you see now?......

Free Gift

This may sound like a silly thing to wonder but i am sure you have all seen an ad on one website or other promising a "free gift".....what exactly is a "free gift"? aren't all gifts "free" or did we miss the memo stating you now have to purchase that birthday gift your friend already purchased for you? that makes so much sense to me.............

Empty Fridge..I Think...Maybe....Damn.

We get up and venture to the fridge to get food; finding nothing in there we return to whatever we were doing and then later we come back to find.....Nothing again. Why magic fridge...why have you failed me in conjuring good food for me. WHY?!?!?!?!?!. Why do we return to the fridge when we know there is nothing in there like the minute we turn away from it, food will magically appear?.........

Got Smart

This may sound a little crazy but i have often wondered this, i am a big fan of Superman but if he is so smart.....why does he wear his underwear on the outside of his pants?...and yes i realize its part of the costume but my grandma wore her bra on the outside of her shirt and we just called her crazy so i don't see the difference......

Scalpel Please

Have you ever noticed that when you go to a doctor's office they always ask "How are we feeling today?" Well I can't speak for them, but usually I feel like shit, that is why I'm there. And don't you hate it when they ask "what do you think is wrong"? Isn't that why they went to college, if I knew what was wrong with me I wouldn't be at his office giving him money to diagnose me. I realize that they call it a practice , but shouldn't they turn pro at some point...

Go To Hell o

I just have to mention the infamous chat programs where apparently it is commonplace to start a conversation with "asl" which just makes me wanna say .......awww someone knows their alphabet, maybe not in the right order but then again i bet whatever is wrong with them is hard to pronounce anyway.....

It Said What

Have you ever wondered about the people that test products and if their the reason for warning labels.....the curling iron for example, it actually says "do not stick in any orifice" like I'm gonna mistake my curling iron for a q tip ....or the hair dryer which says "do not use while sleeping" like sleep styling is one of my many faults(gee, that's the only time i have to work on my hair).......

Dont Make Me Get Rough

Have you ever wondered where utility companies hire their help from??......A utility company whose name i dare not mention recently told me that i could not call them and inform them when my neighbor had a power outage cause apparently that kind of nice is not allowed on their watch.... Did they take lessons for such stupidity or were they born with it?.....

Sneaky Little Rascal

Don't you just semi loathe the people who keep saying "funny how life sneaks up on you"?....I say if life sneaks up on you, you should get that looked at because apparently you have an attention problem or your reality check bounced.......

This Is A Stick-up

Someone once told me that it doesn't take a genius to make money, but it does take some brains to save it and manage it. So, why is the economy so bad? All these politicians with their infamous educations and yet here we are in tough economical times.....

Duct Tape Works Wonders

Why do we spend the first two years of our child's lives teaching them how to walk and talk, and the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up? And can someone please tell me why the minute you become a parent, no one really wants your job but everyone thinks they can do it better?? .....

Batteries Not Included

How about the people driving around talking on their cell phones when they have yet to master driving, and there they are adding a cell phone into the mix???? Or those that THINK they can even text while driving? Makes you wonder if they took lessons for such idiotic behavior........

But Mom.......

Don't you love it when your children decide to remember you exist right at the exact moment you are on the phone or the computer? Any other time, they are too cool to talk to you but get busy and they have no problem carrying on a conversation about nothing at all........

Hands Off Please

What is it about a pregnancy that makes the public believe the minute you start showing, your belly just became public property? Is there a worldwide memo that expectant mothers don't get? And why would any sane person think it is even close to OK to walk right up to a complete stranger and lay their hands upon her belly?

A No Hit And Run Clause

Why do people yell at YOU after almost mowing you down with THEIR car? Are they mad at you because you survived or maybe because they missed?

August 29th 1958-June 25th 2009

Forever hold the vision of him in all his glory, We can add it to the telling of his greatest story, Precious is the moments that we hold in our hearts, Written into our souls like an unforgotten part, Desperately seeking to keep his face in our minds, The answers you want are not the ones you will find, Come take my hand and we will walk it together......

Not Now Im Busy

The church lady going door to door offering her unnecessary advice on the status of everyone's soul like she is really worried about your soul, and not at all about what she can tell you to repent about.....

A Blonde Moment Perhaps

Then there is the lady that goes into Home Depot and when asked what kind of car she has, being the Einstein she is , she says "a white one" like the paint had some importance on whether her item would fit into her car.......she was a good sport and laughed about it when we were like "oh thank goodness its a white car, those red ones are such trouble".....

Trophy Not Included

Why does the lady at the supermarket insist upon counting her pennies out one by one like shes going to get a Nobel prize for her math skills????.........