Oh That Dentist.....

Lets discuss the dentist, the ones who fill your mouth full of gadgets then ask you questions after they have done so and then of course expect an answer but the disturbing part is they usually understand. I am wondering if they have a class to learn gibberish or have they just acquired this skill from being around it all day, is it like an awarded thing like "here my Padawan" or is there some kind of chart they study? I am starting to think their sadists who may have allegedly invented the electric chair....There were no dentists harmed in the making of this post, just the patients....

Let Me Check

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtain for serial killers, if you do find one, whats your plan??  Are you suddenly gonna turn into a ninja and go all bippity boppity boo on them? I think you ask too much of reality and even fantasy, i am sure they have much better things to do than conjure you superhero abilities. Not very well thought out i am thinking. Plus i do not believe the latest trend for serial killers is hiding behind a curtain, they fall from ceilings instead. I think they watch too much mission impossible...and i think you do too since your checking behind shower curtains in the dark.....

Gas Of Mass Destruction...

I realize farting is a natural body function but my mom is so full of gas that its becoming a global problem. She has more gas than the entire free world. Scientist may discover a new hole in the ozone layer as a result. I am thinking of selling her to the Military, she could be a nerve gas of some sort. It would certainly give nuclear warfare a whole new meaning. I will say she developed on her own, and someone recommended i "jizz" it up as if i had any, all the men hoard it! Stingy! Ok sorry back to the real gas leak...i will try to keep u apprised of any news. Hope to see you all again when i next offend your sensibilities.....

Poop Inspector.....

Breaking news!!!!! This is here she is again live from Narnia! The poop king has arrived in the form of my son and its quite disturbing,he has some sort of obsession with it. Baby talking his or his girlfriends is not uncommon. He studies it like it is a work of art and leaves it for others to see like some kind of trophy. Retina burn please!!!!!!!!!! I am almost positive he was switched at birth. He is home this week, probably for some sort of poop convention. One can only hope he will leave his crap there.......

A Quacks Tale.......

 So someone told me that swans hiss and spit...now the first thing is what were they doing to the swan at the time???? Furthermore did anyone catch the spit thing...as opposed to what? Swallowing? Another disturbing little tidbit is that they went on to say that the Romans had sex with geese and then of course broke their necks at the end which is in itself is quite appalling and i am pretty sure i will not be dating them. At this point i am almost convinced there is just no turning back and it gets more and more disturbing with each second.  I believe we should alert the ASPCA of this duck defiler! lock up your rubber duckys and for goodness sake lets spread the word in the duck community of this atrocity!   DISCLAIMER: NO DUCKS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS POST, ANY NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE DUCKS PRIVACY AND THIS PART OF THE SCREEN RIGHT HERE IS MINE, I LICKED IT!

Something Resembling English

Holy cookie dough Batman someone please tell me why do we bother pushing one for English??? we still get someone that can't speak it???. I completely understand that there are people that exist that speak different languages, i just do not understand when you work with a mostly english speaking public that you cannot attempt to learn something resembling it. People i am not fluent in gibberish and i doubt i shall be anytime soon. People better watch their P's & Q's before I start handing out F's and u's!.....

Caps Lock

We all have them so do not deny it...those things you really hate because they get on your last nerve. I have several pet peeves and one of them is the whole "internet" bravery thing because let's be honest most of them are cowards hiding behind a computer. Oh wow. You're gonna fight me over the Internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my ass? We have all met them at some point and you instantly know their cowards in disguise. Yes people your secret is out, the tribe has spoken. Its almost like everyone is playing a part on the internet these days which in itself is quite disturbing...therapy much???...i am still not sure how the hell they manage it because i fail miserably at one person, fuck being two.....

Just a sayin.....

Don't you hate some of those silly sayings that you hear everyone say and eventually end up saying yourself....like "its always in the last place you look" now i do not know about you but my thinking is of course its in the last place, who finds something and then continues to look!?!???. Or the "words can't hurt you" i say if you think words cannot hurt you then obviously you have not thrown a dictionary at someone with enough force. My least favorite is "tit for tat" ok so if it's "tit for tat", what the hell is a tat? and do I really want to trade my tit for it??.........

Winnie What?!?!?

You know i was watching Winnie the pooh today and i realized a disturbing fact....that children's movie/show is obviously based upon psychological problems (think about it)Winnie had an eating disorder, Piglet had generalized anxiety and is wondering where this, "chill pill" everyone talks about, is located and would love to know how to get one...or 15, Rabbit had severe OCD, Eeyore had major depression and is looking for his happy place... for the life of him he can't remember where he put it!, & Tigger had ADHD. i am not sure which is more disturbing, this revelation or the fact that children watch it.......

No Mixers Please!!!

So apparently my neighbor has a low tolerance for alcohol mixed with medication or maybe she has just been swilling the NyQuil, the coughing, sneezing, running nose, sore throat, fever... how did I get in the neighbor's yard? kind of medicine (although i think most people do unless this is a reoccurring thing in which case they should seek out the nearest AA meeting). anyway, said subject is now trying to fly off her porch steps, i think this is going to end badly like those scenarios where someone says "watch this" that always end with a trip to the nearest emergency room. it seems she may be up shit creek in which case i could lend a hand...OK! duct tape, 4 toothpicks, 1 yellow sponge, 3 coat hangers, an apple, 2 forks, a bottle cap, a lamp shade, THANKS MACGYVER! I CAN PADDLE OUTTA SHIT CREEK NOW....i got this covered....wish me luck!!!!

Alarm Dilemma

Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clocks broken and Im wide awake. Not sure who won so i have a dilemma and i would really appreciate your help in locating the person who decided nine minutes was a "snooze"?????!!!??? WTF!!!! i will even allow you to help in the torture of said person if you find them and i believe this is quite generous of me but there is no need to thank me. whoever you are, do not make these good people chase you.....

Hot off the Commode...Read all about it

Yes i have a disgusting yet surprisingly funny story to share with you. Some of the names and places have been changed to protect their privacy. As you can imagine what is normal to some is not normal to everyone but i have to say....i do not know many people that want to discuss feces. Unfortunately it came to my attention that a really stinky bowel movement made you warm (i deleted that image as soon as i heard it and i suggest you do the same). Furthermore when you take one in the snow, it steams (yeah because i do not know about you but i am sooo searching for snow just for that purpose). I will conclude by saying i am sure i have offended all your tender sensibilities and in the future i will be sure and continue this practice as i cannot seem to stop but i do ask that if you have to go, please go the other way and lets not discuss it in detail..........

The Watch Conundrum.....

Don't u hate when people point at their wrist when you ask the time as if i do not know where my watch is located...as i stand there looking at them, I'm thinking what planet do u hail from? is there air there? life even?. Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first. i have even been so thoughtful as to write them a letter for their common sense since they seem incapable of the deed, it goes something like this...Dear Common Sense, I miss you please come home, before I do something else stupid. Love Me. this is your letter so please copy and paste and keep your head up pumpkin, your frigging special....

"Emos"

I am not knocking anyone's perception of themselves but i just gotta mention the "emo" label that has exploded into "emo" haircuts and styles, clothes and piercings. Why must we label everything? That is a legitimate question that certainly makes you wonder if it is just not another way for people to make themselves unique ( yeah cause i know i want to be different, it helps so much) See i just said i was on my period but now it needs a label because being different is apparently a trend. I have personally asked my emo friends why they call themselves that and i can report that they don't know so i figured "smurfette" was taken.......

An angel among us.....Not....

Did you see that? Did that child just? No he did not. No way......You know the ones i am talking about, the half demon child that his mother is just gushing over "isn't he just an angel" (no those are not wings you ninny, that's a Halloween costume) . Now i am not in any way saying my children are not mean but i have a double dose of reality for those "my child does no wrong" parents and you know who you are (that is if you stop taking the xanax already). Here is a message for all those in denial, your child has traits and behaviors just like other children in his age bracket (its alive), children will lie, manipulate and demean to further their own goals or to stay out of trouble. I know how disappointing this is for the parents of the angels they believe live inside their children....i say, stop reading so much enquirer already..........

Okay now i know that texting is a growing disease, but now it has branched out into
the military apparently....there are these things called "texting wars"(makes u wonder what happens to the causalities or POW's, i am guessing the casualties are those deleted and the POW's are still in the phone). See now here is my thing about texting, its almost like the elevator although it does make the phone easier per say but it does make it easier to not have to actually tell someone your breaking up with them...no no you can text it.......

Texting 101

The texting revolution....someone save us from this virus flooding the world...i can report that in a single month my sixteen year old sends at least 5000 texts...i say life is moving on without them
and apparently they added a smiley face :). I am in no way going to deny that i myself text some but nowhere near the magnitude of some people and the sad thing is you do not even need to take a poll because it is all around you (yes even the elderly lady crossing the street). Its almost as if everyone has conveniently forgotten how to actually dial a phone (its a lot of work to punch in those numbers because i know its so much easier to type it).............

Is This really the news???!??

Has anyone happened to notice the ever present constant bad in people that is broadcast on the news, whether it be nightly, evening or morning (like we have not noticed the drive by shootings or the murder next door). They always start off with good evening for example then proceed to spend the next thirty minutes telling you why its not....it makes one wonder what purpose an anchor actually serves (i am sure they dont introduce themselves as "everything that will go wrong has gone wrong and i am here to broadcast it worldwide" person because that would require explanations , something apparently they lack in the news industry so they just make it up). Now i know there is some things we might want to know, weather for example or a deadly virus but i personally do not nor plan to care in the future what the presidents wife is wearing or where their vacationing because unlike reporters, i do not plan on stalking them. Also i am aware that some people are just nosy but do we all have to be punished because some people are too worried about what goes on in a complete strangers life???????...........

To Crab or Not to Crab???

I learned an interesting fact while shopping yesterday......Did you know that imitation crab meat is not considered a food product? (finally the crab catches a break, someone should inform him that he has been taken off the menu)When I got to the checkout line i was informed that my imitation crab would be taxed (oh the horror!!). Now I am thinking to my self, non food product hmmmm.........{sponges, napkins, sandwich bags, aluminum foil} I can understand these items, but crab meat? What do you categorize it as? If the grocery industry does not consider this a food, exactly what fits the criteria for "Food" and who makes the distinction(Sebastien or Ariel perhaps).........

You Said What?????>...............

I have a niece who seems to know all the stupid people....literally(shes probably got a personal ad on some dating site searching for them.....could u imagine the wording) . She is forever telling me of their idiot exploits but there is one that tops all others on the idiot scale (and before you ask, no i have no idea what constitutes the scale as i just made it up). Now before we get into this i should say some of this material may be unsuitable for certain viewers ....say the prudes who think some things are "forbidden" or the psychos who think any orifice is supposed to be glued shut and never mentioned. I know every woman knows what a douche is and if you don't.....for petes sake go out and get one because that smell is probably you. Anyway my nieces friend had never used one and my niece explained to her how to use it so she goes into the bathroom for about ten minutes then she comes back out and exclaims "Oh my god, it was running back out" (Darwin award please). Now my question is....is she always that stupid or is she making a special effort? And exactly where did she think it was going to go? Apparently she thinks she has a water retaining vagina (the Venus fly trap comes to mind) that was wrong i know lol...................